One of the most common questions I get when I’m running seminars is “what’s the best chat-up line you’ve used?” But are chat-up lines all they’re cracked up to be?
A lot of you got in touch to let me know you loved the long-form article on how to get a girlfriend (available on the blog), so I’ve put together a bumper guide on chat-up lines to help acquaint you with the art of making a powerful impression on a woman from that first moment.
You’re going to discover over the course of this article that it is not only what you’re saying to a girl that will spark attraction, but it’s also what you’re not saying.
I’m going to share with you the power of curiosity, the different types of opener you can use, and how to infuse the interaction with humour.
Over the course of this article, you’ll learn how to open in intimate scenarios and large groups, as well as how to challenge the information she gives you.
And, most importantly of all, you’re going to have your mind blown by the fact that you don’t need chat-up lines at all to be great at seducing women.
Let me first discuss mindset and the foundation from which all approaches should happen.
No chat-up line on the planet is going to attract a woman if you don’t invest in yourself in the lead-up to that conversation.
There’s a wide-ranging but readily achievable scope of steps you can take to improve your image and your outlook. Upgrade your wardrobe. Go to a proper barber’s and get a haircut that suits your face and age. Get out there and exercise. It is not being naturally good-looking that sees results; it’s being well groomed that truly shows self-investment, pride, and confidence.
But you do also have to be genuinely and wholeheartedly investing in yourself to achieve the full effects. Being attractive is about more than just your outward appearance. It’s about the entire mindset behind how you view social interactions and how you place and assess value in those interactions.
If you set achievable goals, smash them, and celebrate those wins, your confidence will skyrocket. You’ll then be able to get out and start stacking up those interactions.
It might also be advisable to put a pinboard on your wall with printouts of images that inspire you; things you’d love to own or examples of the type of woman that truly excites you. Visualising what you want to achieve can be a powerful motivator.
Your skillset will then grow alongside the number of interactions in which you get involved.
If you go into an interaction without having taken these steps, insecurities will show in your body language, and you’re less likely to make the impactful connection for which you were hoping.
Don’t hope – act. You can start taking these steps today.
When I approach women, I always come from an angle of curiosity.
I’ve made sure I’m hardwired to want to learn and acquire exciting information from interesting people. On my 7-Day Course, I’ll sometimes talk about networking, and how I’d occasionally host dinner parties but only invite people who are smarter than me so I could position myself to gain from their knowledge.
Overall, though, it is merely interesting to hang out with worldly, sophisticated people.
It’s not even about the information itself – it’s about the joy you take in acquiring it. Not only that, it’s about the interaction and the investment in the person giving you that stimulation.
This joy and curiosity applies similarly to seduction. You have to approach women with a sense of curiosity. You’re not looking to get laid. You’re looking to speak to interesting people, learn about them, and have fun.
For example, I was in a department store with a client, warming them up for a night of productive approaching and self-development.
We headed on over to the beauty section and had a chat with the beautician. My client started off by asking a simple but elegant question:
“Tell me something, what is natural beauty? What does that mean to you?”
Immediately, he was challenging her and engaging her mind. She knew she would have to dig deeper and wouldn’t get away with giving a simple, stock answer. This is an exciting and stimulating route into conversation. This vein of dialogue and sense of intrigue is what a woman wants to experience in her first conversation with a man who knows himself.
He followed it with:
We were sure to tie the subject matter of the interaction into her job but avoid the simplistic “Oh, what time do you clock off?” mundanity. This still operated within the framework of what was appropriate in front of her bosses but regardless managed to spark her intrigue and get her brain working.
These questions suggested deeper layers to my client’s personality and concern for her values, rather than giving off the impression that he was jumping at the instinct to take her at face value.
My client was able to have a conversation entirely within the bounds of a daytime shopping environment and still make a powerful impression.
Engaging with a woman on this level sets you apart from a Jack-the-Lad trying out a corny one-liner.
Part of being curious is constantly taking in the environment. Someone operating at full social flow will be able to not only take a heartfelt interest in their surroundings and the people they talk to but also use those stimuli to drive their conversational approach.
No one reacts well to a script. If you reel off something you learned a few hours before, you come across as artificial. A woman can smell it a mile off.
So breathe, pull your chest back, and take in your surroundings.
When you approach a woman, bring up an interesting feature to do with the room, a particularly attractive item of clothing they’re wearing, or a particular mannerism or activity they’re carrying out. A simple, honest compliment about what they’re wearing goes a long way as an introduction. It can induce an immediate burst of good feeling, but it has to be a justified and specific compliment.
“I love the way you’re wearing that dress…” is a fantastic lead-in to a conversation. Notice the subtlety: Are you complimenting the dress or the way that she wears it? Noticing that a dress hangs in a particularly beautiful way from her body is as much a compliment to her as it is the dress.
If you mean the compliment, and it’s about a subtle detail, this will show you as a man that notices the small, delicate aspects of beauty. This sets you apart
What needs to be understood is that whatever question or angle you use is just a vehicle to get into the finer details of the interaction. Too many of my students blow it when they’re starting out by milking the opener.
During street approaches, my students will open up with indirect openers simply as a signpost into the conversation. “Ah, excuse me, how do I get to…”
Now, if you’re talking to a polite woman, she may pull out her phone and check the map or invest a certain amount of time in telling you how to get there – but you don’t actually want to get to wherever. You want to progress in the conversation and get her phone number.
Don’t get caught up in the opener. It’s what you do while managing the dynamic that matters.
Your responses to her responses are what matter. The opening question or what you perceive to be the “chat-up line” does not.
The more experience you get talking to and approaching women, the more comfortable you will grow with using direct openers.
These avoid the potential running-round-in-circles-and-only-talking-about-directions by relaying your intent straight off the bat. There’s more risk involved, and the context is important here. If you tried this in the example I used above, approaching the beautician at the department store, you’d probably see a lot of pushback. However, using this approach in a more social environment can be hugely powerful and reduces the risk of any mixed signals.
When I speak of risk, I am, of course, talking about that dreaded friend zone. Some men get bitter at being in the friend zone, but, in reality, men relegate themselves to the friend zone by not expressing intent when they first approach a woman.
You’re putting your intent on the table, and it is for this reason that a direct approach carries the highest risk of a “no” but also the greatest reward once you’re in the flow of conversation.
Besides, if you’re pretending to befriend a girl when you’ve other things on your mind, it’s only going to end badly for both of you. A direct approach can circumvent this.
Getting lost in indirect openers can mean that you end up having a conversation about something completely irrelevant and leave without her number. All interaction is healthy, but I’m sure you didn’t head out to the shopping centre this lunchtime to talk to people with a view to finding out where Superdrug is.
Get what you set out to get, and do it in an honest, direct way.
Without knowing the intent of your approach, she has absolutely no reason to hand over her phone number. Remember, a woman doesn’t owe you her attention or details by default – you have to earn it by convincing her that not only do you want her, but you also deserve her time and effort.
A woman will not invest in a prospect that does not excite her.
An easy, tasteful way to achieve this is by saying something along the lines of:
“Look, I don’t normally do this, I just had to stop you for two seconds – it’s Johnny, by the way.”
You’re saying why you’re there, talking to her, and giving her your name, but the act of talking to her itself makes the reasons for the conversation abundantly clear.
Make yourself vulnerable by admitting that you are attracted to her. Being able to open up in such a way conveys extreme confidence, and this is inherently attractive.
Women want to be hit on; they just want it to be done right. Clear communication and relaxed body language are the two ways you can stay on the right side of the thin line between creeping a woman out and making her day.
Don’t have this long conversation about directions or the time or nothingness, linger, and then go for the number. It will not work in your favour. Go for confidence and clarity, every time.
An indirect opener involves going around the houses to convert your intent. You don’t bring up the real purpose of your conversation, but end up taking the more accessible route of being friendly to a stranger and easing yourself into the seduction part of an encounter.
I have always found that indirect openers are a great way of getting my students out of their heads and into the moment. It launches them into interactions they may feel hesitant about tackling head-on.
The great thing about trying out indirect openers when you’re starting out is that they are so simple – it is the act of asking a stranger for directions. You should do it anyway instead of checking Google Maps next time you’re lost. Be sure to constantly start conversations with people.
Through these indirect openers, you can build a library of positive references; phone numbers you got, or interactions that went well that could help shape your self-image as you progress to more direct approaches.
There’s value in any type of approach, but however tentative you want to be, you’ll always have to find the springboard to a direct opener eventually.
Some of my students want to dive in at the deep end. Some want to warm up to get used to the flow of conversation.
Indirect openers can be an effective way of entering a conversation as long as you avoid staying on the topic of the opener for too long. I’ll reiterate this throughout the piece: It is about the flow of the conversation, not the opener.
A hybrid opener is the way most openers will pan out, with more of a focus being placed on direct approaches as you develop confidence. In the hybrid opener, you set about converting indirect expressions of intent to direct ones.
I’ll ask for directions to somewhere, and as I’m saying where I need to go, I’d move my head back towards them and slow the pace, realising mid-sentence how beautiful the girl I’m talking to actually is.
This makes it seem like her beauty is just dawning on you, and that you are actively changing the intent expressed in your opener. In doing so, you’re increasing the tension and making yourself vulnerable halfway through what seems like an ordinary conversation.
The other way to alter how you express your intent halfway through an interaction is if they start answering your original query for directions or what-have-you, interrupt and tell them in earnest why you really stopped them: You think they’re beautiful, and you’d love to take them for a coffee.
A good way to make this shift in tone less jarring or unexpected is to lower the tone and pitch of your voice. This subtle action will slow their thinking down and bring her mindset to your pace.
This puts you in a brilliant position to launch into asking for a phone number.
An opinion opener involves starting your conversation with a thought, either about the night or otherwise, and then inviting their stance on it.
This again harks back to the conversation my student had with the makeup adviser in the department store. While he didn’t offer any opinions of his own, he was finding ways to qualify her values and outlook on the world by challenging her and stimulating her mind.
This is how the opinion opener operates – puts a little bit of you out there so that they open up about a little bit of their own worldview.
There are ways to blow this approach, and it’s worth knowing. A student got called out on this next one as it’s tremendously overused:
“Guys, quick question – I’ve got a friend turning up in a second. In regards to cheating, what’s the deal? Is it still cheating if a girl kisses another girl? What’s your view? I have a friend who’s annoyed because his girlfriend kissed another girl. What do you think?”
While this definitely creates an air of sauciness, it’s played-out, and if she’s a good-looking girl, she’s heard it before. Some guys can pull off the cheesier approaches. Most can’t. She’d far prefer a warm, less transparent opener, such as:
“Is chivalry dead? My friend was dating this girl, and he’s very old-school and gentlemanly, but she didn’t like it and thought it was too much. What do you think? What do women like to see in a man?”
Even though it’s not an overtly sexual opinion, it will still get her thinking about attraction and what she looks for in her own sexual partners. And if you’re making eye contact and dressed the part, it will regardless get her mind thinking about you in a sexual way.
What’s great about using this kind of approach is that you can use it for instant feedback. In this case, for example, if she tells you she isn’t into the idea of the perfect gentleman, you can shape the rest of your approach to be a little cheeky. If she does, you can amp up the chivalry.
It’s part of reading and reacting to what she says.
It’s important when using the opinion opener to make a concerted effort to avoid religion or politics; even if those are subjects on which you have passionate views, keep the conversation light and fun. The point of starting these conversations is enjoyment and self-amusement, at the end of the day.
Women are at the club for the same reason as you: To lose themselves and escape life’s worries and fears through a night out. There’s a 50% chance they will be for or against Brexit, Trump, immigration, and any other salient issues in the news today. Why risk the potential disagreement? Just connect with her on an emotional rather than political level instead.
Intense conversation tramples escapism. Become part of her escapism by keeping it light.
An elderly relative of mine once told me “Make a girl laugh, and you’re halfway to the bedroom.” And while there’s far more to it than that – using humour excessively or desperately can make you seem like you’re overcompensating and insecure, and not a serious guy – it is a powerful connector that can not only help to forge the initial connection but provides a platform on which to progress that relationship.
When people think of traditional chat-up lines, their minds drift to the cheeky one-liners that defy expectation and elicit a laugh – and normally a groan. And while me reeling off a long list of these is not going to enhance your chances of pulling them off, understanding the appealing elements of chat-up lines (i.e., the directness, humour, and wilful breaking of a woman’s pattern) can help you to hone better the dynamics of talking to women.
Some people are simply not naturally funny. That’s fine, as well – there are plenty of avenues outside of humour that women find attractive. However, this is an article about chat-up lines, and you still need to find ways to make a powerful impact in a short timespan.
When I talk about “breaking her pattern,” I mean using an approach that goes in completely the opposite direction to the sleazy, monosyllabic approaches she’s had all night from a wide range of guys.
You can be the one that stands out. And whichever other methods you have, whether they are looks, money, or conversational deftness, humour is a pretty essential tool in any social toolkit and a sure way to stick your head above the parapet.
I am often asked during my seminars about the intricacies of reading a girl’s sense of humour. People worry that their quips may not land properly and that the hope of rapport can be lost forever in those moments. How can you ensure that she’ll find you funny?
The short answer is: You can’t. But what I always tell my students and what I’m going to share with you today is that you should never be looking to amuse other people – only yourself.
When you are building up social momentum at a party or bar, you should always be humouring yourself and inviting others into that humourous context. It sounds like a sure way to exclude or alienate people, but it actually has the opposite effect.
Remember when you were a child, and you could sit there for hours at nursery school or kindergarten happily playing with your favourite toy? Do you also remember how many people wanted to come and play with you because it looked like a world of fun?
We very seldom grow out of this. Humans are innately social and a pre-programmed to have a fear of missing out on fun social activities that the rest of the in-group are doing.
If you’re having a fantastic time on your own or with your friends, people will be compelled to share the joke. Don’t try to fit other people’s senses of humour – you will never be able to – but instead invite them to mesh with yours.
It’ll then become infectious. Women want a guy who can spread fun and social positivity, and if you’re having fun, they’ll be having fun too. Women also like a man who leads, and inviting them into a joke is a canny way of showing you can lead a social context without being forceful.
If you’ve established a healthy platform from which to springboard a humorous interaction, you can then transform these jokes over the course of the evening and gradually make them more and more suggestive and sexual.
To get good at creating innuendo and sexual humour and allusions, you have to become acquainted with dancing around ambiguous phrases and words. This is a great way to introduce the sexual tone and see what compliance you get from her.
If she’s generally responding in a positive way to innuendo, it’s a pretty reliable sign that she’s thinking of you in a sexual way.
Humour is not the crux of why she likes you, so don’t get hung up on it. Also, avoid talking too much because you find yourself amusing. This is not a stand-up show, it’s an interaction, and you need to be engaging her and inviting her to contribute as much as possible.
While it can help to know what to say when going up to a woman and telling her she’s beautiful, it’s as important to know what not to do. You could think you are making all the right moves and look the part but also unintentionally or unknowingly making some pretty significant mistakes that are tanking your attraction levels.
One of these is hesitation, and it’s huge. You must AT ALL COSTS avoid hesitating while you speak.
Women are attracted to confidence. But as my student asked the beautician earlier in the piece, what is confidence? What does it mean to be confident, and how do you then communicate that to another person?
Confidence means knowing exactly what you intend to do or say and not hesitating for a moment. It means not needing a filter on how you speak because you are so self-assured that you always think and act in a way that’s true to your natural character; you have integrity. Confidence is saying what you think or externalising what you want to say without any fear that you will say something at odds with your character.
So when you’re umming and aahing before you open up, how do you think it looks? You appear to be a man who doesn’t know what he wants, and certainly not how to express his wishes and innermost desires.
A man that hesitates is one that doubts. If he doubts, he’s insecure, and if he’s insecure, how can he offer her security? When a woman meets you, she can read insecurity instantly.
If you’re going for an absolutely stunning woman, the kind you always desired, they’ve probably been approached all evening. You need to inhabit your confidence at all times, as the steps you take walking up to her are just as important as those first words you say to her. She will notice if you hesitate. It will seem as if you don’t do this all the time.
These are the early signals that give away vulnerabilities in a way that you can’t control, unlike, say, telling her that you think she’s beautiful. If you need to take a slight pause before thinking about what you’re going to say, then breathe, smile, and tell her what it is you’d like to tell her.
If you’re speaking with integrity and responding acutely to the content of what she’s saying, you shouldn’t have any problem thinking what to say. And if you’re asking enough open questions (“Why?” “What is it about… that brings you joy?” “Tell me about…”), you shouldn’t need to be doing all that much talking anyway.
This focus and self-assurance applies equally to posture and eye contact. It doesn’t matter what you’re saying or whether you’re using the slickest, cheekiest chat-up line in circulation if you’ve spent the whole conversation fidgeting and glancing away or darting around with eye contact. If you have naturally bad posture, try getting involved with yoga or pilates.
Likewise, meditation can work wonders for people who fidget, as it can help you become more aware of your body and its sensations and, as a result, guide you gently towards reassuming control of your movements and balance.
If you want to sink your teeth into the social mechanics of seduction, get in touch through the Contact page of the site. I’d be glad to chat about ironing out those kinks in your game – I’ve helped thousands of guys before you.
Whatever steps you take, you can rest assured that you are not stuck with slouchy posture and hampered speech, and there are very realistic measures that can be taken to correct these common hangups.
Confidence is a process, and insecurity does not have to be a part of your life.
EXAMPLES OF LINES THAT HAVE WORKED
I’ve included this section due to the number of men at my seminars ask me about particular lines that have been particularly powerful or effective in the field.
However, I’m going to use this section to talk about my favourite opener: “Hey.”
Now, before you say that’s a copout, think about how many other elements are at play when you’re walking up to a woman. The way you stride. How you’re holding your arms and your drink. Your level of eye contact. Your smile.
These elements set up a concrete foundation for attraction – you’re already performing a dance with your eyes and dialogue with your bodies.
So, in theory, you’ve already opened. So all that’s needed is a “Hey” and the conversation is on.
That’s why you don’t need chat-up lines. It’s better to deliver a single syllable with class and confidence than a well crafted chat-up line coined by someone else.
Tension has already been created. It’s now down to you to ride the wave.
Also, instead of thinking in terms of “chat-up lines,” lean instead towards questions concerning personal aspects of her life about which you’re genuinely curious. Doing so takes your approach right back to that initial curiosity – if you’re interested enough in the woman you’re talking to, you’ll ask the right questions.
Challenging women is a hugely important part of what I pass on in my seminars and courses, and it’s a notable step towards creating rapport and setting off that spark that will get her mind running wild.
When I say “challenge,” I, of course, do not mean becoming argumentative or confrontational. I mean that you should not restrict yourself to the simple, small-talk questioning or even humour that can define an approach and instead move on to the weightier and more personal questions that will make her think.
One example I love to use is:
“What sort of toys did you have growing up?” followed by “What was the first toy that you remember?”
These are questions that will open her up and get her drilling down into her memories and emotions. Whatever the difference between you and anyone else on the planet, you will always have emotions in common. Everyone has them, so relate to that part of a woman. Get her making positive associations with you.
People love talking about themselves. There’s no topic they know better, and part of the mindset of having a woman qualify herself to you is prompting her to hint at or even explicitly discuss her deeper values.
Questions that challenge a woman might get them talking about their family or beliefs. You may gain some insight into key, formative experiences that have shaped her life, or get an idea of her spark or sense of humour simply because she has been inspired to talk for longer.
Moreover, though, this type of approach stimulates her mind. The mind is the most active erogenous zone – it’s where anticipation is created, the imagination is inspired, and connections are reified. You can be as physically attractive as you like, but without stimulating her mind as well, you will make less of a lasting impact.
This is also not a one-way street. To fully cement the interaction, you must be sure to share intimate details about your own life. Don’t give everything away and ruin your mystique, but also be wary that if you’re challenging without sharing, it comes across as an interrogation rather than an interesting conversation.
Make sure you reciprocate personal information. It’s an important part of bonding.
This is another fantastic challenge question I like to fire off, which allows an easy platform into innuendo and cheeky humour:
“When’s the last time you did something for the first time?”
When she smiles:
“What was his name?”
While the answer may well not head in a sexual direction, you can easily take this in either direction, but it’s a great way of directing her headspace towards positive, exciting, and novel experiences. This will then help you bring her energy and attention back into the encounter.
By all means, you are opening yourself up to her reaction and the possibility that she will respond in an out-of-the-box way, but it easily opens up the possibility of humour playing on her having had to think.
OPENING LARGE GROUPS
Very often, if you’re in a bustling social environment, such as a bar or club, you won’t be walking up to a woman when she’s on her own.
At some point in your development, you will have to learn how to approach large groups of women. There may even be some men sprinkled in there. Either way, you can think about isolating the girl you like and showing intent later on. Right now, your priority lies with making an impression on a group of people.
The way to do this is to exclude no one. Ask open questions and be sure to make eye contact with each member of the group. Make a point of showing interest in the narrative of their evening.
If they’re out in force, they’re probably out for a reason – a birthday, a promotion, even just the weekend finally having come round. Whatever it is, show active curiosity about what they’re getting up.
The knack to opening large groups is in throwing out an observational opener to get everyone involved.
“What are you guys celebrating tonight? Which one’s the birthday girls? What’s the story over here?”
Opinion openers, as discussed earlier, are great for crowds.
Assume that a large group is out to celebrate.
So, this group opener has still functioned as a chat-up line. You’ve engaged the woman that caught your eye as well as all of her friends, made a sterling impression of yourself as someone who can act as a social butterfly, and gotten the conversation off to a rolling start.
You’ve just been able to do it in your own words and ensnare the attention of her group of friends in the process.
THE BOTTOM LINE
It’s exactly scenarios like group openers that show how unimportant the opening to any verbal conversation is. The whole fiction people have in their heads about chat-up lines is that there is any one line that will make a person fall head-over-heels for you.
This is simply not the case. Humans are complex, and the way they read each other even more so. When you meet someone new, there is a whirlwind of conscious and unconscious cues shaping how you feel. From the point of eye contact onward, a woman is forming her impression of you.
And those seconds in between the moment you notice each other across a room and the moment you first start interacting are an absolutely crucial time in which to exude confidence, masculinity, class, and intent.
These qualities only come naturally after a great deal of hard work and discipline. You have to be actively engaged in the process of building yourself up to fully see that confidence come to you naturally in the run up to a conversation with a woman.
It’s what you do before you start a conversation and how you control the flow of dialogue that truly make an impactful connection.
To learn more about becoming a social and sexual master, head over to https://www.johnnycassell.com/pua-training, and let’s talk about how my 7-Day Programme can help you break down your personal barriers and cast aside those hangups.