People think my courses are about sleeping with as many women as possible. Really, however, they’re about finding genuine happiness and connection with one woman.
Given the carnal pleasures and the buzz of confidence that sleeping with hundreds of women can give you, there comes a time when you start to look for something deeper and more enriching from your relationships.
You may have been looking for it all along but ended up riding the (admittedly enjoyable) wave of womanising.
Humans are driven by reproduction, and as the biological party lucky enough not to have to physically give birth, we tend to lean on our more neanderthal instincts that point towards spreading our seed as far and wide as we can to improve the chance of healthy offspring.
Fast forward millions of years, however, and all you’re left with is a condom receipt as long as your arm and a child support bill that’s even longer. We have the instinct without the purpose. And some people, still, aren’t built for monogamy – infidelity is still common and some men will cheat no matter how much sex they have with their partner.
With this being said, settling down needn’t be boring, unrewarding, or even less sexual than sleeping with hordes of women.
Let me break down the reasons why monogamy works wonders for many people – and how to make the switch from your womanising lifestyle to a calmer, more content one with a single person.
Know yourself, your limits, and your values
There is no golden rule for how many women you should sleep with before settling down.
But it should be more than one – while some people marry their high school sweethearts, and that’s charming and endearing, it’s better to satisfy the curious part of your personality before you break their hearts later on in life.
If you haven’t tried a range, how do you know you didn’t latch onto the first woman you met for fear you’d never find another?
However, with more experience and more sexual encounters comes a higher bar and a wider set of expectations and standards. You know more of what’s possible, you can please women more effortlessly in the bedroom, and you’re finding that, actually, you have your pick of the women in the room.
You can take that “don’t settle” mentality to the other extreme and ignore those calls from your soul for something deeper and more meaningful in exchange for physical sensations and fleeting moments. That’s when refusing to listen to your own needs becomes a problem.
When womanising stands in the way of personal growth, you should reconsider your position on it. Luckily, you’re in a great position to do so – you have the power of choice. However, have you only been looking for women who are the type to want one night stands? Do you know anyone who’s wife material, and can you give them the stability you need?
Having the social skills and confidence to talk to women and escalate conversations into more is all well and good, but are you just a non-stop party animal with no stability or prospects? You may have unexpected amounts of work to do to secure rewarding, long-term love.
No one can tell you this but yourself. You might even have to go through the painful experience of unrequited love, and it may take you aback because of your usual levels of success when it comes to seduction.
So you need to fully self-examine. Work out which women you sleep with because you enjoy it and feel wanted, and which you truly desire and for whom you feel deep affection.
Making the switch to committed love
Switching from any lifestyle is difficult. The other way round – learning to share your sexual energy with a wide range of women after a long relationship of marriage – can be equally challenging.
However, there are a number of steps you can take to make the transition to commitment less like a sacrifice and more like an acquisition of those qualities you simply don’t get from womanising – tenderness, genuine companionship, and a team mentality.
As with any life change, you need to have an identifiable why. What’s the reason you want to settle down? Has having casual sex every day simply lost its novelty? Are you getting to the stage where you want kids and that seems miles away?
The best way to adjust your womanising lifestyle to one that really meets your needs, however, is to see it as a means to finding a woman with whom it’s worth forming a long-term and exclusive relationship – a filtering process, if you will.
See casual sex not as the end, but a filtering mechanism to work out the values you look for in a woman. If your type is “Blonde, curvy, massive tits”, you’re not thinking hard enough about your long-term relationship goals. Don’t fall in love with every beautiful woman who throws herself at you.
Do you want a woman who’s compassionate? How does she show that? How does she treat other people? Does she want kids? If you have them together, how would she want to raise them? What’s her relationship with her family like?
Having the power to date a beautiful woman and say no because her values don’t align with yours is the best way to take ownership of your journey to meaningful, enduring love.
It’s also an ideal method for ensuring that you’re spending your time with the kind of woman who isn’t going to lead you straight back into your old lifestyle. And, with as much sexual success as you’ve had to date, you’ll also have to prove yourself in new ways.
Falling in love the right way
Sometimes, however, you’ll meet a woman that simply blows you away. Around that time, you’ll know that you want something deeper and more robust with her. However, you need to make sure that you’re approaching the relationship from a stable platform she can depend on.
You’ll need to make changes in your lifestyle. If you’re going out every night, maybe save it for the weekends and focus on building a stable home. If you’ve already got more than enough money, use it to show you care – not trinkets and meaningless gifts, but invest in here.
Is there something she wants to learn or master? Book the two of you a course and make sure you’re there by her side. Does she always talk about visiting a certain place? Fly her out there spontaneously.
For many women, stability becomes a massive factor, and you need to show that you are trustworthy and reliable. This will take time if you’re used to constant partying, but the steps are actually quite simple. It’s not all about money:
- Don’t lie about where you are.
- Avoid being late.
- If you say you’re going to be somewhere or do something, follow through.
- Take your work and personal growth seriously.
- Invest in your close family and friends, and introduce her into your world and network.
- Meet her folks and engage with them
Learning to enjoy sex with one woman
This can be the hardest part – conditioning your mind to be content with one woman.
But hear me out – you want to be with this one woman because you think she’s amazing, and that includes her sexual dynamic. You shouldn’t be with a woman who doesn’t make you tick sexually.
So instead of seeing monogamy as getting to experience a taste of hundreds of different flavours, reframe it as getting to deeply learn and explore your partner’s body over time. There will come a time when oxytocin, the “hug hormone”, starts to circulate your body instead of the serotonin and dopamine that come alongside instant gratification.
When you learn one woman’s body, how to make her orgasm, and how to communicate and carry out your own desires, you’ll find a different, more resonant pleasure. You could have electric sex 100% of the time, or a beguiling choice of women with whom you won’t be completely compatible in every case.
There’s no right answer, but if you love a woman for different, non-sexual reasons, this mindset can keep the spark alive on a long-term basis.
There will no doubt be lulls, but as time passes, so too will the need for constant sexual pleasure. You’ll find different, more enriching ways to pass time together.
Even through the arguments and misgivings, you’ll learn a more nuanced, thrilling way to stay happy together if you keep it fresh, communicate, and come up with special treats and surprises, like trips away or sexy games and roleplays.
To be honest, though, it’s as simple as this: If you love a woman, sex is just another way to share and express that love. Any number of factors can disrupt your sex life: Health, tension, or the pressures of day-to-day life can all get in the way. You’ll have hurdles to clamber over, and you’ll be able to do it together.
Monogamy isn’t for everyone. It’s a personal choice. But if and when you make that choice, know that you’ll have to fully inhabit it, otherwise you run the risk of hurting someone you genuinely love.
Love is always an investment. Casual investment yields short-term peaks and subsequent troughs. Wholehearted investment in a relationship is a driver for growth and sustainability.
How much you invest is entirely your call, but it all starts with refusing to settle for anything less than a healthy, happy life and having the confidence to make that call.
For a crash course in bolstering your self-esteem, find out more about my Impactful Connection workshops.