When you’re looking at how to get a girlfriend, you need to start by transforming into a viable long-term investment. You need to become a prospect worth a woman’s time and energy on an ongoing basis.
No woman owes you her affection. The guys who expect this are the ones who end up on the sidelines.
You have to earn and be worthy of a woman’s attention before she grants it to you. The good news is that absolutely anyone can build themselves into such an asset by developing the right mindset.
To begin the transformation from a guy that doesn’t appear on her radar, to a leader and provider who becomes the sole focus of her passion and attention, you have to know about positioning.
Positioning is a huge part of my teaching, and it is central to reshaping your surroundings in a way that facilitates a shift in your dynamic with women.
You first have to know what type of woman you want and position yourself in an environment in which that type of woman is available. It can be all too easy to get trapped in lad culture, going to the Sheep and Bucket on the high street to neck pints with the guys.
But if you surround yourself with only guys in a place only guys hang out, don’t be disappointed or surprised when the interactions with women aren’t stacking up.
It is on you and you alone to make the opportunities happen.
People isolate themselves from opportunity and make excuses as to why. It’s about reframing your situation to make it adaptable.
You may freelance and not be around people much. “Oh, I work at home. I don’t meet many women.” You’re just creating excuses for yourself.
Don’t think of yourself at “working at home,” then. Instead, consider yourself as a remote worker, and get your business done in coffee shops and at freelancer meets. The girl who sits next to you at the coffee shop could be your next girlfriend.
Surrounding yourself with forward-thinking, like-minded people is not only great for the potential girlfriends you may meet, but you can use your new environment to level up.
As an example, I often worked in coffee shops while running my business. However, not all of these environments were elevating me as I’d hoped. As a result, I joined an exclusive Members’ Club in Mayfair. There were men all around me making huge, six- and seven-figure deals. That inspired me a great deal, and I started doing well enough to set up a finance company and put to use some of the expertise I’d absorbed just by being in the vicinity of the elite.
I positioned myself to absorb whatever I could learn and gain. Don’t sit around and dream of being a millionaire; actively place yourself around real-life millionaires and soak up what they know.
It’s through this process of osmosis that you become a product of your environment. Manage your environment, then, and you will find it easier to shape your trajectory.
This is how regular guys can build themselves into the type of men that take out models and celebrities. If this doesn’t ‘normally’ happen to you, then make a new normal for yourself. You have to be strategic about where you hang out and meet people.
I live in a flat around the Mayfair area of London. I look at the price of it and occasionally have thoughts of it being unreasonably expensive or hard to maintain. However, I then remind myself of the opportunities I’d miss out on by not being in this area.
Not placing yourself in upmarket areas around elite people can cost you more in the long term on a business level. Similarly, you need to spend time with beautiful, intelligent, top-notch women to learn what attracts them.
People often wonder how to get to this stage. They have what I call a “town mindset” – that sense of comfort only a big fish in a little pond can feel. However, to accrue social value, you need to value your time over your money.
The question is not “How do I get to this stage?”
It’s “How do I make it happen?”
You have to become a solutions-based thinker. What have YOU got to do to place yourself in a more abundant environment?
Positioning is crucial, but once you have positioned yourself successfully in a new environment, you have to start making yourself an important prospect to talk to. The mission doesn’t stop once you’ve entered the room.
You always need to be adding value to the scenario. Who do you want to be friends with? Do you have services you can offer them? People you can introduce to them? Ways to get reservations at an exclusive place?
Add value to other people’s lives, and you add status to your own.
I was sure to build up what I call “relationship equity” with all my resourceful friends simply by being generous. Maybe I’d need their help later on in life. It’s not about “favours for favours.” A magnanimous mindset with your friends and network can help you reap tangible rewards in the future.
When you surround yourself with resourceful people, you level up your social status. If you can’t add value by offering your own skills and virtues, add value to their lives by becoming a connector. Introduce them to someone who can.
Regularly throw gatherings, meetups, and parties, and position yourself as a social leader. When they want to blow off steam, it’s you they’ll call on.
Become that person, and you’ll get introduced to more people.
The reason I mention positioning and elevating yourself socially is this: Taking into consideration your social value is one of the most important parts of becoming desirable. You also have to demonstrate your social muscle – and it’s not by being the biggest and loudest in the room.
How to communicate your value to other people
Imagine having a social value of 0. You can start racking up social ‘points’ by behaving in a social way. In a hotel lobby, for example, a socially intelligent person greets the doorman and shakes his hand on the way in.
In a restaurant, they say hello to the maitre d’ or supervisor. They’d take care of all of the key people in the venue.
I will sometimes pop in and speak to the manager of a bar or club during the day just to be able to catch up with them that night.
You can take those steps with very little starting social value and already be raising eyebrows in the room: Who is this guy that seems to know everyone that matters in here? I’m intrigued. I’d like to know more.
Imagine if you go into that room and take the same steps, but having positioned yourself in a way that means you can grab yourself some real influence in the room.
Showing your social value is not just about who you know, but also how you act. You have to be comfortable with yourself in a way that allows you to make someone else feel good about themselves. Spread positivity and build a social snowball.
The more you go around being sociable, the more likable you’ll appear to be.
One of our course leaders, H, has worked in hospitality for years and seems to know absolutely everyone. People who haven’t yet shaken his hand are queueing up to do so.
You need to give the same impression to the women you meet on a night out and create intrigue by talking to everyone in the room. A girl wants a boyfriend people like. She eventually has to introduce you to her friends and family. In the back of her mind, she’s looking for someone who knows and gets on with people, and in her conscious mind, she’s looking for someone fun and exciting that sparks her natural curiosity.
If you’re out socially, and you can tell someone feels not included, a considerate and truly social person would make sure they feel involved and have empathy for everyone. Choosing to not care about that is indicative of your character, and it’s telling that you notice if not everyone is having a great time and go out of your way to try and change it.
There is an added charm in being able to do this, and it’s this charm that will have women looking over at you. When you decide you do want to have a girlfriend, being aware of these social elements are essential to your success.
How to invest in yourself physically
A lot of guys on my course have had the illusion planted in their head that only naturally good-looking guys end up with the woman they desire. However, not everyone is genetically blessed, and this can sometimes get to a man’s head and dent his confidence.
Good looks can help, but only because they can seriously bolster a man’s confidence. If you’re used to girls talking to you because you’re naturally attractive, you can build up an abundant and powerful bank of positive reference points.
You don’t have to be good-looking – just look good. This means caring about your appearance, ditching the tatty polo neck from a decade ago, getting in shape, and clearing up any obvious cosmetic blemishes. In this day and age, there’s no excuse to look bad or have discoloured, misshapen teeth. Plastic surgery and cosmetic dentistry are widely available for any minor blemishes.
I used to have a reality that was made of negative references. Bad experiences shaped what I thought of myself, and it took me a while to build up the motivation to work on myself and my appearance.
I realised that I needed to invest in myself physically and make sure I looked on the outside how I felt on the inside.
This means not just shaping your wardrobe but looking after yourself. Ladies want a guy who’s active, not lethargic. They see the future. What’s he going to be like if I’m ill? What if we have a family? He’s filling his face with junk food and sitting around – is he still going to be alive to look after me at age 50?
You don’t have to become excessively hench or look exactly like whoever you think her favourite Hollywood heart-throb would be. Small changes can make you healthier and happier. For example, I switched from taxis to walking this year – mostly – and it makes me feel great.
You have no excuse not to take 15 minutes and do 20 or 30 pushups every night.
Be sure to stay hydrated, as not drinking enough water can lead to all sorts of health problems and give you bad breath and cracked lips. These are all basic measures in leading a happy, healthy life – and if they’re absent, girls will notice almost immediately.
When you make excuses about why you haven’t gone to the gym or stayed active, you have to stop and think – what else are you prioritising? What is more important than your health and confidence?
If you deny yourself exercise, you’re giving everyone your time but yourself. This needs to change – start putting the time on the calendar for you. A few hours a few times a week is no big ask. Be sure to stay active, and your confidence will reach a stage where you become a real, long-term prospect as a partner.
Communicating your interest – converting your confidence
Turning your confidence into a part of you that brings real results and attracts the right kind of women is, first and foremost, about your mindset.
If your mentality screams “she’s out of my league,” you’re going to come across as an inferior man. You have to have an “IT”S ON” mindset. What you tell yourself, you project.
Women are attracted to confidence. But what actually is it? How do you show confidence?
The key is certainty. Women like a man who is certain that he can give them something, add value, and fulfil their requirements. It’s for this sense of certainty that you have to build reference points.
Start approaching the type of woman that scares you until they become the women that excite you. Work on changing the label “intimidating” to “thrilling.”
How do you come across as a decisive person? For a start, you have to be someone who is comfortable in their own skin. You have to avoid making erratic movements with the eyes. You must remain softly spoken and hold eye contact.
Don’t be afraid to smile or make yourself temporarily vulnerable to hand out a compliment.
Once you have that confidence about yourself, finding a girlfriend really does become a lot easier!!
A confident man is not scared of losing face for a moment to communicate his interest. You have to take the risk to experience the reward. The real risk is not doing anything at all.
Because that would lead us to….
THE FRIEND ZONE