In this insightful BBC Radio London interview, dating coach Johnny Cassell shares expert advice on how to strengthen your relationship skills in today’s fast-paced world. Tune in for valuable tips on navigating modern dating and building meaningful connections in both your personal and professional life.
Jumoke Fashola: Well, let’s continue on the topic of romance. It’s been reported that growing numbers of heterosexual men are lonely because their relationship skills are not good enough to impress women who are apparently raising their standards. In an article in Psychology Today, one expert says women aged between 25 and 45 prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators and share similar values, all very reasonable. Well, earlier today, Vanessa Feltz spoke to relationship and dating expert Annabelle Knight. She told her that women are more independent and have time to factor their needs.
Annabelle Knight: We need someone who’s going to bring something extra to the table and our tables are already full. They’re already beautifully decorated with a bountiful amount of delicious food on. So we really are looking for that extra element that is someone who is like-minded, that shares our our love language. And it really is coming down to the simple ask of our male counterparts to just, you know, be the best version you can be so that your relationship, whatever style or form that looks like, can be the happiest and healthiest.
Jumoke Fashola: But with majority of dating app users being men, are women increasingly able to ask for what they want? Well, I’m joined now by Johnny Cassell, who’s a dating and lifestyle strategist for men. Goodness me. Has it got to that stage, Johnny, where people really need help? What do you think of why we are seeing this shift? Why do you think we’re seeing this kind of shift?
Johnny Cassell: Well, there’s a lot of things that have happened in the last decade that have caused us to feel this way. I mean, social media is quite prominent, which has allowed us access to more and more choices. And we’re instantly comparable to someone else out there on the market. I think there’s a lot of pressure around that. We’ve had the Me Too campaign that was a fantastic awareness campaign and was definitely a conversation that we needed to have on a wider scale. But the fallout from that is there’s a lot of men walking around with a lot of uncertainty and doubt as opposed to, is speaking to a woman in the queue at the coffee shop okay? Or is that harassment? What’s going on? I’ve got a lot of female friends and they’re really striving for romance on a daily basis. And talk about strategy, they’re quite strategic in how they position themselves and how to make it easier for men to do so. But us men need to step up to the plate and pull the trigger.
Jumoke Fashola: But what do some men need to do to increase their chances of finding love then? Because I mean, listen, our parents, our grandparents, okay, maybe they were put together, but there was lots of conversation. People don’t seem to talk nowadays. They’re just stuck on their phones. And also, they’re expecting people ready made for them. They’re not willing to do the graft.
Johnny Cassell: There’s some truth to that. We see pictures from the olden days of people on the tube, and they’re all just sat there reading the newspaper. These days, that’s changed for the phone. So we’ve always had some distractions. You could argue that social skills have improved, but it’s just been more in a digital format. We all need to work on our life skills, our in-person skills, for sure. And I think perhaps we are falling short on that. We need to go out there, we need to step into the possibility of being rejected. And that needs to happen. That needs to be something that we just need to experience. And I think the more and more that you start talking to people, your confidence will grow. A big tip I have for my clients is get bored of hearing yourself say the same thing. So whenever you are out there conversing with someone, you’re moving into a place of humouring yourself. And if you’re humouring yourself, you can invite someone else into it. But if you’re walking around with this doubt in your head, then you’re like an antenna. You’re transmitting that out, whatever you think you project. So we’ve got to get the repetition up of how your social confidence builds.
Jumoke Fashola: And here’s the other thing, though. Surely, and this applies both to men and women, but because we’re talking about men, I’ll say men. Surely there needs to be a decision, which is I want a life partner as opposed to I want to have a fling or 20.
Johnny Cassell: Totally. And I think everyone I work with, I sit down, I go, what are you looking for? A lot of us don’t know what we’re looking for. And that’s the problem. We’re very quick to bash the online dating apps and all this. Oh, people on there were just looking for a hook-up. The hook-up culture has always existed. And why we’re getting frustrated with these mediums is because we’re going on there not knowing what we want. Like the fellow dating expert that you had on earlier on the show, you played that clip from, she mentioned that. It’s about you need to communicate your values, you need to ask for your values. Let’s just start with understanding what our values are. With women, I think they perhaps seem to have more of an idea. But with men, I mean, it’s a bit of a joke. You ask your friends, what’s your type? And they say blonde or brunette. Like, oh, is that all it is? We need to dig a bit deeper. We need to think, what is the makeup? What are the ingredients of a long term partner? You know, she’s family orientated, she’s emotionally stable, she, you know, well travelled, in touch about Chicago, what are those things that are important for you? But also, what are your deal breakers? What are the red flags you want to make yourself aware of?
Jumoke Fashola: Some very wise words. Johnny, thank you so much for joining us. Johnny Cassell, a dating and lifestyle strategist for men.