How to date again after a tough breakup

February 14, 2018 - 8 minutes read

Breakups can be rough. Getting back into the field following a tough breakup can be even rougher.

You needn’t be afraid. Learning not only that the grass is greener on the other side but also just how much grass there is can be the first steps to seeing a breakup as an opportunity rather than a negative life event.

You need to understand that recovering from a breakup is a process that takes different lengths of time for different people. The worst thing you can do is sit around stagnating. It gives you too much time to dwell on the past.

Maybe you’re worried about the technical or difficult parts of sleeping with someone else or finding someone new. Perhaps you’re worried about the “fuck off” because the sense of rejection gleaned from ending a relationship will be fresh in your head.

The best way to get around this is to replay that worst-case scenario in your head seven times. Run it round and round. If that scenario then comes to be, it will still hurt. But you’ll already have gotten over it. In your head, it’s already happened.

Most of the time, however, that worst-case scenario never unfolds. It’s mostly in your mind. But cycling it in your head is a great way to immunise yourself against self-punishing feelings if you do happen upon an embarrassing situation while talking to new women.

After a breakup, you want to accelerate towards moving on and repairing your relationship with yourself. You also need to align more with the idea of being around other people.

Here are the most important factors in getting back out there after a breakup.

Severance and dating immediately after a breakup 

The mistake many guys tend to make after the breakdown of a relationship is trying to work out which channels they can use to reach out to their ex, create a window into her life, or make their own life obvious to her.

Social media is an obvious culprit for this, but it applies equally to seeking out her friends or contacting her by phone.

You have to shut all of those windows. Block them on social media, delete their number, and remove your access to certain friends connected to that person.

Reaching out to her will not be healthy for repairing your relationship with yourself. You’re not actually concerned about her; you’re just kidding yourself that there’s still a chance of reconciliation.

If you’re still clinging to that wishful thinking, you’re not helping yourself move on.

Moving on is a choice. It’s one you make because you know it’s best for you. If you chose to move on, breaking off all contact is the sort of drastic evasive action you’ll need to take.

Offload your feelings after a tough breakup 

Don’t bottle up your feelings.

If you’re not keeping busy, and you’re internalising every emotion you’re experiencing, it’s only a matter of time before you explode. Meet up with a friend and talk to them about how you feel.

I’m sure you’ve lent an ear to one or more of your friends when they’ve been in dire straits over the years. Have them lend one back. Don’t let yourself become isolated. Get that ill feeling out of your system.

Sharing your emotions really does help and prevents you from taking silly or unhealthy actions you might end up regretting.

Take stock of what you learned during the relationship  

Be grateful for what your partner added to your life.

At some point, they were a reflection of you. The partners we choose tend to be reflections of ourselves. If you’re applying all this negative energy to the idea of your ex, you’re also applying that negative energy to yourself.

So how can you bolster yourself to move on? You can permit yourself to think about the great stuff too. Really consider what you learned from her and identify the value she added to your life.

Be thankful. Positivity is a choice you can always make. Even the simple act of positive thinking will help you reach that optimal headspace and achieve closure.

Breakups can be pretty traumatic, but you always have to have in mind that we’re not close to every person that enters our lives on a long-term basis – we can meet amazing new people, and we can also lose them. Appreciate the time you get with them, and when they’re no longer in your life, look forward to the next people that will enter your orbit.

If you keep dwelling on the negative, you’ll never get yourself into a more positive headspace that allows you to place yourself in situations where you can meet new, exciting people.

Reach back out to your social friends following a breakup 

People can get so caught up in relationships that they don’t spend as much time with friends. We end up spending more time with our romantic companion than our pals, and they can fall by the wayside a little.

This is the time to reach out and be the Yes Man. You need to make an effort to get back in the loop with what’s going on. How are your friends communicating and what do they do on a weekly basis? Put in the work and get yourself involved.

If your mates are all married and no longer that socially active themselves, maybe yourself find a new, more active social group to get things moving.

Or, take the opportunity to be the social glue of your own friendship group and get the ball rolling again. They’re probably also looking for a chance to hang out with their friends.

You can meet new people on sites like meetup.com. Get yourself to an event. Turn up solely to start conversations with like-minded people. Obtain phone numbers and find out about future events you may like.

How do I start dating again?

Getting out more will mean that you’re putting yourself around more women by default. You only really get over someone if you allow yourself to move on. Choosing to harbour the past is not healthy, and you deserve better.

If you need a little assistance in getting back out there and rejuvenating your confidence with women, get in touch at www.johnnycassell.com/pua-training.