I am often asked the question: Why do some guys always end up sat back on the sidelines wondering how to get a second date?
When I’m running my Impactful Connection workshops, I focus very much on making a powerful first impression and standing out from the room.
If you’ve got to grips with making exciting, engaging approaches and getting phone numbers, but always seem to follow through with an uninspiring first date, here’s what you’ve been doing wrong.
Your first date has to make an impact. It might seem cool to be casual about it, but if you half-arse your first chance to get to know her, she’s not going to be inspired to come back for more.
Here are a few reasons why you might be sat at home thinking “why can’t I get a date?” instead of following through on your second, third, and fourth prolonged interactions with a woman.
Think about the last time you went on a first date and it fell through.
Why was there no second date?
Cast your mind back, and think about whether you were guilty of any of these dating faux pas.
You weren’t present.
You didn’t make her feel like you wanted to be there, or that you were particularly interested in her.
While you want to give the impression of being forward-thinking, busy, and preselected, fiddling about on your phone or frequently going to the loo to text is just going to come across as rude. And, worse still, bored.
This is the impression she has of you after 10 minutes. If you’re at best nonchalant throughout the first opportunity you’ve had to hang out together, she’s imagining what you’re going to be like 10-15 years down the line.
Don’t worry about what questions to ask – be an active listener and focus on giving them a good experience. Why would you have set up a date with her if you weren’t interested in who she was?
Be present. Otherwise, you’re not getting a second date.
You didn’t make an effort with your presentation.
You didn’t get to the second date because you turned up to the first looking like you just slotted her in after a session at the gym.
A woman wants to see that you have a balanced, active lifestyle, but she also wants to know that you can make her feel special and that you are invested in the time you spend with her.
She wants to feel that a date with her was worth dressing smart for.
It also gives the impression that you never make an effort with your presentation. And that is a huge turnoff for a woman. Being good-looking is not fundamental to being attractive. Being well-groomed is.
If you turn up looking scruffy, don’t expect to be asked out again.
You talked about yourself the whole time.
You spend the whole date talking about where you went on your gap year, the ins and outs of your job, and all the motorsport you enjoy watching. You bored her stiff. She’s not up for another round of that.
It also, again, made it look like you weren’t interested in her. A woman doesn’t want to be a sounding board for the same autobiography you reel off to every other woman who will listen; you should be giving her a great experience. She wants the interaction to be unique.
If you’re only talking about yourself, by default, you’re not asking about her. Be curious about her. Listening is how to get a second date.
Actively care about her, ask about what matters to her, and explore her story.
You didn’t make her feel special
You quite simply weren’t courteous enough. You could have made her day with a few simple, honest reminders of why you were spending time with her, but you passed up the opportunity.
A compliment is so easy. You can be honest about liking her – about what she’s wearing, what she does for a living, her sense of humour – whatever it is that excites you about her, let her know.
It’s a natural part of flirting, and she will feel far more comfortable with seeing you again as she associates being around you with good feelings about herself.
While exploratory conversation is important for building rapport and creating anticipation, you also need to dish out some compliments.
You were too much on the campaign for third base
You were putting far too much pressure on yourself and fluffed it. You made the stakes far higher than they needed to be because you were thinking about getting laid rather than learning about the beautiful person in front of you.
Ironically, investing a bit of interest in who she is and what she values gets you to the bedroom far quicker than focussing on trying to get a girl to go to bed with you.
You fell for the gesture of her offering to pay the bill or go halves.
This is a test, every time. A woman may not want to be “bought” with flashy gifts, but she also does not want you to be cheap.
Yes, she offered. But you must never, ever take that offer. And if you did, I’d be very surprised if you saw her again.
You should be looking for ways to show that you can offer her security and that you can look after her.
You were asking closed questions.
You were only giving her the opportunity to provide one-word responses, and you weren’t inspiring her to share more and give you further reference points for conversation. The conversation felt, therefore, like it dried up. It didn’t stimulate either of you.
Ask open questions. Why? How? What’s that like? Tell me about it.
If you’re going to get a second date, questions that inspire active engagement are so important. The way to get your conversation in shape is by always genuinely wanting to know more.
How to go on a second date
If you avoid all of the above pitfalls and strike up a great rapport, she’s going to want to see you again.
Meet up somewhere with a different vibe – maybe a bit more upbeat, like taking her dancing. Alternatively, do something quirky and interesting during the day. Start creating talking points and shared memories.
Don’t pile on the pressure while you’re on a second date, either. Remove the notion of labels. Don’t even label it a date. You’re just hanging out.
Invest effort and attention into your first date, and you will create a great connection for that second date.
Let’s talk about mastering second date, third base, and beyond. Head over to www.johnnycassell.com/pua-training and start reshaping your game today.