Eye contact is one of the most essential elements of communication, and it plays a vital role in setting up and maintaining attraction.
I tell all of my students that most communication is nonverbal. You often have an entire conversation before you’ve opened your mouth. There are very few places this comes into play more effectively, and more thrillingly, than when you lock eyes with a beautiful woman from across the bar.
This article looks at the science behind eye contact, love, and attraction. I’ll show you how to maintain and manage eye contact, as well as putting it to use as an effective and seductive communication tool.
I’ll also walk you through different types of eye contact and how best to convert them to attraction fuel.
The power of eye contact
Eye contact is perhaps the most powerful communication tool.
A mastery of eye contact is hardwired into our DNA. However, it is something we have to actively try and access, and we end up needing to practice those skills.
Eye contact is how humans communicated before we used any form of spoken language. We would identify and speak to friends, foes, potential mating partners, dangers, and allies using the same paralinguistic features – or factors of speech that transcend the words used – that accompany speech today.
The difference is, we now have a full palette of words and linguistic textures available to us. As we’ve shied away from face-to-face contact and drawn back to the safety of our smartphones, human beings have become terrified of showing off that primal vulnerability.
Science has explored the phenomenon of human eye contact. It plays a more fundamental role with us than almost any other species.
Eye contact, for example, can make someone trust you more if they already agree with you, or believe you less if they hold an opposing stance, according to a 2002 study at Freiburg University in Germany. In short, it can make people more open to persuasion if they find you agreeable.
People who are dishonest often hold eye contact for longer – but only because they know about and use its power to try and sell a mistruth.
A 2006 study showed that eye contact helps people remember what you’re saying for a longer time after a conversation. The amount of time someone spends thinking about you is an accurate measure of the impact you had when making a first impression.
Even as infants, we tend to follow our parents’ eyes rather than their heads.
While these studies are limited, one-off demonstrations that hardly serve as concrete proof, they indicate enough of a link to warrant paying eye contact extra attention when preparing yourself for the world of dating.
How to hold eye contact
First off, it’s important to lose that fear of making eye contact in the first place. What’s more, you have to learn how to hold eye contact and show that you are comfortable doing so.
It takes a lot of confidence to lock eyes and potentially leave yourself vulnerable. But that confidence is what speaks to a woman’s sense of attraction.
That’s why eye contact is so central to securing a woman’s affection. You have to get comfortable locking eyes with someone.
When I was building up my levels of social comfort, I would play “Eye Contact Chicken” with people I would pass in the street.
I simply held eye contact with a stranger as we crossed paths and smiled in a way that couldn’t possibly be misconstrued as threatening. If they looked away first, I won.
The great thing about this exercise is that every time you succeed in kicking off a great conversation with a woman, making eye contact becomes a little easier. Unconsciously, you’re becoming calmer about the notion of making yourself vulnerable in front of another person – which means your confidence is growing.
The other exercise that worked wonders for a vast majority of my students forms one of your first steps of learning to talk to women. I always tell my clients to go to their local shopping centre on their lunch breaks and talk to women for long enough to work out the colour of their eyes.
This means that while you’re concentrating on building up the skills to flawlessly talk to women, you’re also tackling any fears you had about making eye contact for a prolonged period.
Types of eye contact in attraction
The power of eye contact lies in its versatility. You can convey your feelings to the love of your life or your worst enemy without saying a word.
But in the context of flirting, there is a wide variety of modes eye for contact to take. It’s important to be able to recognise and respond to these social cues.
- She is holding eye contact:This means that you’re basically being invited over to talk. Eye contact is like currency for women – they dish it out for specific purposes.
- She holds contact for a few seconds, then looks away: This could mean one of two things. Either she is shy but interested, or she is actively interested and trying to see how far you will go to kick off that conversation.
- She quickly glances away, then looks back over after a few seconds:She is definitely bashful but wants an invitation to talk to you.
- She is deliberately avoiding your gaze:She wants to give the impression of not wanting to talk to you. It’s up to you if you wish to get past that barrier. Either way, she’s still using negative eye contact to communicate with you.
These all have different implications but necessitate the same action. Eye contact is a powerful communicator of intent.
Eye contact should adapt entirely to the situation. Just as a woman can communicate with you depending on the way she switches up meeting your gaze, you can ration eye contact during conversation to create anticipation.
Some people wonder where to direct their eye contact during a conversation – it’s a source of anxiety for many. You should be making eye contact 50% of the time and looking away in smooth, intentional motions. As much as failing to make eye contact, glancing about and darting left and right with your vision convey uncertainty.
The eye contact that accompanies conversation is very different from the eye contact you make before you speak to a woman.
Eye contact and love
Once you’ve gotten to grips with the nuances of eye language, you’ll fnd it enriches your romantic, personal, and professional relationships. You’ll be able to add weight and conviction to what you say and generally get more from life.
You’ll find that eye contact is a particularly powerful element of love. You often hear about “the look of love” – it’s real. There’s a type of eye contact, a deep comfort maintaining long, long stretches of gazing into each other’s eyes, that is characteristic of being in love.
You wont have to focus on that. It will be a natural projection of how you feel.
Whether you’re going out and looking for that special one or simply looking to hook up with women, learning to manage eye contact is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship between your emotions and the way you convey them.
To master all elements of talking to women, including eye contact, get in touch about my 7-Day Programme at https://www.johnnycassell.com/pua-training.