So. You’ve opened up. You’ve aced the conversation, the drinks have been flowing, the environment is dimly lit, warm and intimate and the first flutterings of prolonged physical contact are setting in. You start to think about how to kiss for the first time.
However, you proceed to burp in her mouth and repeatedly lick the side of her face.
As a student on The 7 Day Programme, you learn a great deal about gaining a woman’s interest and nurturing it. The fluidity of that conversation and the spontaneity of the encounter are a crucial and fun part of socialising, but if you don’t know how to kiss a girl it’s akin to serving the finest lobster with a soggy sack of chicken-shop chips.
Which brings me to my first point, without which you are pretty much walking straight into a grimace:
1) FRESHEN THE HELL UP.
Taste and smell inform a huge part of a woman’s evaluation of a man as a potential mate, alongside the presentation of dental hygiene. So brush, floss, use mouthwash, wear tasteful aftershave/cologne and shave to a length that isn’t going to hurt or unleash loose food (I see you, Monster Munch) upon your unsuspecting lady.
And, for God’s sake, if you’re going out for dinner first avoid intensely smelly or spicy dishes unless she makes a deliberate mention of wanting to eat daring. No-one is looking to suck on a cheese wheel. It won’t matter if you know how to kiss.
Once you’re smelling fresher than the Seventies, it’s helpful to know how to get a girl to kiss you. Remember: a kiss is not feeding a girl your tongue or eating her mouth. It is a dialogue, a call-and-response which is every bit as conversational and charged as the atmosphere leading up to the kiss itself. While confidence and forthrightness are key, you are inviting the girl into an intimate dance. Make her feel as invested as you are and set a tempo to move to.
2) MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS KNOWN, MAKE YOUR APPROACH GENTLE.
If you are confident but tender in your run-up, you will make technique less important when your lips meet. If a girl returning the favour is your concern, then you can test the waters in subtle, sensual ways. Gently touch her on the shoulder whilst laughing at a joke, go for the high-five, or even instigate a thumb war. Or be dancing – it’s fun, encourages close proximity and pushes the heart rate up, cranking up the adrenalin and dopamine in your body and getting both of you into that kissing frame of mind.
Set your scene and choose your moment. Nowhere crowded or stressful. Not amongst a gaggle of your friends (or, even worse, her friends) but somewhere quiet, and secluded. I like to invite her on a walk and pick a quiet spot on my route to add some spontaneity.
If she is giving you feedback on these subtle motions, you will know that she is comfortable with touching and may be receptive to the next steps.
Sometimes you simply can’t get the space, but there are ways of getting around this. Say you find a girl you’d like to kiss but she’s with a friend. Widen your scope – come on to both. Transition to: “So I’m trying to work out which of you is the better kisser…” If you are feeling playful and the scenario is going your way, you can suggest that girl kiss girl. I’ll bet you didn’t think with your approach you’d see a girl kiss a girl. It’s all part of the fun.
3) APPROACH WITH PURPOSE; LEAVE HER ENOUGH SPACE TO RETURN THE FAVOUR. AND, YOU KNOW, TO BREATHE.
Slow, considered movements and involving the girl do not mean hesitate. Lining up the kiss is the declaration of intent. Moving in, on the other hand, is a subtler art. Meet her gaze confidently and make eye contact, switching your line of sight for split seconds to her lips and back up – ‘triangulating’ between the two. Have your hands active – softly resting on the back of her shoulder, the nape of her neck or ever-so-gently stroking the outside of her ear are personal favourites of mine – and slowly bring your head closer, closing your eyes. A shrug or a flinch at any of these points in an indicator to pull things back.
Only go most of the way – let her come to you. You’ll want to go a solid 80-90% of the way and let her join the party.
4) RESPOND TO HER MOUTH MOVEMENTS AND KEEP IT SOFT AND INTERESTING.
That conversational psychology applies just the same for a kiss, and is the difference between how to kiss well and how to kiss better. Always be reacting to her lips – if she slows down, slow down with her. If she starts to bring in the tongue, tease around her tongue with yours. If she brushes against your lips, brush the opposite lip.
How do you kiss? Slow is the key. She needs enough room to breathe and to interact with you.
Mix up your motions as well. You can move to a different lip, a different part of her mouth, tilt your head in different directions, increase or decrease the frequency of your kiss and the amount of pressure you apply. Be playful and keep her engaged.
5) TONGUE AND BREATHING CONTROL
The tongue is a beast unto itself. It can add great intensity to a kiss but go overboard and you are in Doberman territory.
Make your tongue a part of the motion of your lips, with full-on tongue kissing taking up only about 10% of the time at the peak of the kiss. It will allow both of you to breathe – hugely important to help you settle into your rhythms. Too much tongue can end up oppressive and uncomfortable.
If the situation is getting hotter and heavier, and the kissing is so passionate that getting air is a little tricky, then move to other parts of her head – the neck, forehead and shoulders are great spots to catch a breather and create excitement at the same time.
6) HAVE FUN
Remember to enjoy yourself. You can watch as many poe-faced kisses in the rain as you want on the silver screen, I always suggest that as intense as a kiss can be, it should form only a small corner of how cool it is to hang out with you. Don’t switch your personality off – you’re not in a movie and this girl is clearly into you.
Studies have shown that many people remember their first kiss over and above the time they lost their virginity. That’s not to say that every kiss has to change your life, but it can have a profound impact on a girl’s impression of you if you know how to kiss good.
To find out more about boosting your confidence sky-high, have a closer look at my programmes here.