How to stop running out of things to say with women
So you’ve used a dynamite approach and you’ve snared a woman’s attention. The drinks are flowing and the atmosphere is easy.
However, suddenly out of nowhere comes an awkward silence that starts chipping away at your confidence. Should you have more things to talk about? What are some interesting conversation topics? What do I do when I don’t know what to talk about?
If you’re thinking about the conversation in those terms – lists of topics, set things to say to a girl you like – then you may as well pull out of the interaction now. There isn’t a set list of fun topics to talk about that will enrapture every girl you meet because everyone is different.
ASK OPEN QUESTIONS
It’s no secret that girls (and most boys) love talking about themselves. Look to her for subjects to talk about. An important part of this is sticking to questions that allow her to elaborate, and avoid ones that limit her to a simple ‘yes’, ‘no’ or single sentence answer.
If something she says reminds you of your own experiences, chip in. For example, if she starts talking about a place she’s been on holiday, reminisce with her if you’ve been there – or somewhere like it. You can use the longer answers you’ve spring-boarded as signposts for your own conversation topics.
A girl is not looking for a pre-ordained list of fun things to talk about. She is looking for you to react to conversation in a fun way.
DON’T TALK FOR TOO LONG
You could be the most fascinating person in the world with a full knowledge of things to talk about with a girl, if you start monologuing you are simply going to come across as self-important and she will switch off.
Limit yourself mostly to questions (open ones, for those with a more narrow attention span) and speak sparsely but honestly and confidently and you will leave a great deal of room for attraction from the girl.
SWITCH OFF YOUR FILTER
The best romantic comedies, or the ones that stand the test of time and show the best chemistry between the characters, are the ones where they are conscious of the pauses in their conversation too, and have free-flowing and sometimes self-deprecating interaction. Often accompanied by bags of laughter and a sense of fun.
It’s because these characters have been written together without a filter to their conversation. They aren’t worrying about whether what they’re saying is the best thing they could be saying. That’s where awkward silences come out – trying to find the best topics to talk about with a girl and ruling too much out. Don’t only choose the most interesting things to talk about. Talk about what feels natural and let her guide the conversation.
Treat it the same way you think of things to talk about with a guy you like – just relax and don’t focus on trying to impress them. You’ll be surprised at how quickly they find this impressive.
GAUGE IF YOU ARE BEING FUNNY
With different people comes differing senses of humour and, unless you come with a built-in 90s sitcom laughter track (if you do, seek help immediately) you need to manage the style and intensity of your humour accordingly. While humour can be a key tool in making a woman feel at ease around you, no-one’s looking to date Jim Davidson and firing off gags left right and centre can be a sign of insecurity.
If she’s being funny, join her. If she’s not, make light jokes and lead her there – it makes for the fun part of the evening. If she’s the type that chooses meatier stuff to talk about, tone it down. And don’t be too risqué from the start – judge if she’s comfortable with irreverent humour and follow her lead.
Also, don’t shy away from absurdity. Find random things to talk about, either in the room or completely unrelated. Girls like to be challenged and to think laterally – be funny in a different way. You don’t have to be a comedian. Just be fresh and inventive.
You can puff up your feathers for making your first impression, and if you’re just out playing games, trying crazy approaches and peacocking then honesty may not be your first port of call, and that’s fine. But if you’re trying to propel an excellent conversation, you may want to stick to what you know, and be honest to yourself about what you do.
If the relationship progresses past your first encounter, you’ll thank yourself for having chosen honest topics to talk about with your girlfriend. You’ll also struggle less with how to keep a conversation going with a girl if you’re true to who you are, and respond to the flow of the conversation with that as a basis.
USE STIMULI FROM YOUR SURROUNDINGS TO DRUM UP CONVERSATION
You’d be surprised how easy it is to forget this one. While you’re busy trying to think of clever or witty things to say, you’re missing out on a constant stream of cues and talking points. Take in the room and the people in it and be sure to remark or ask her opinion on notable items.
There’s a reason the best improvisers and freestyle rappers make a living from their craft of pulling magic out of nowhere: by highlighting and weaving into their conversation elements of their environment, they instantly cement the memory of the room and make it unforgettable. Unforgettable is a pretty good way to leave a first encounter with a girl you like.
YOU’RE ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND
Sometimes, you’ve hit that charming, effortless level of conversation and formed a truly meaningful connection with it. But, years into that bond, you’ve hung out in front of Netflix a little too much together and the conversation is grinding to a halt.
It’s simple: do more. Explore different cities together, and on your own, to have more to connect to. Take up new hobbies, or maybe a competitive sport like tennis or couple’s bowling together. Take up board games. Do something else in your own time.
Too much time together can give you vast expanses with nothing to discuss. So grasp your own identity and get involved in things that stimulate your mind, with or without her.
For more tips on breaking social boundaries, read about my 7 Day Programme here.
Dating Coach Johnny Cassell