Non Verbal Communication with Dating

July 10, 2017 - 11 minutes read

The Power of Non Verbal Communication 

I’ve got another piece about body language on this site and it all falls under the umbrella of non-verbal communication.  

It’s about to get a little bit scientific in here, so open a window. But this is going to be how a girl notices you, and how you can read her attraction and escalate the situation without being creepy or oppressive. This kind of stuff is seriously worth understanding in any walk of life. But dating is an interaction with such a physical aim (regardless of how much substance you’re looking for) that non-verbal communication skills are nothing short of a survival kit in dating.

To really understand the impact of non-verbal communication in the world of dating, it’s important to first think about what communication is at it’s very core. It’s at least two entities sending and receiving information to each other. Those entities can be phones, four thousands MacBooks, three gibbons, or you and a girl at the bar. Communication, needless to say, is at the very centre of mastering attraction – it is the means by which attraction is conveyed and also received.

Now you need to picture, in your head, just how few of the words you say actually matter. Nothing personal – I’m sure you’re alright. I mean that 93% of the way you communicate comes from what you don’t say. You know when you piss a girl off, and you ask how she is ten minutes later and get a ‘fine’ but her eyes, tone of voice, body posture and distance all suggest that she wants to throw things at you?

That, my friends, is the non-verbal communication definition in motion. It’s everything you’re saying outside of the words you’re using. And that is, of course, an immense scope of things to consider. But mastering this will be like any martial art – time, repetition and constant patience and application in the field.

As your confidence grows, so too will confident body language and non-verbal communication skills.

I’m going to break down some linguistics for you to show the different types of ways you non-verbally communicate, probably without realising:

  • Kinesics (body language)
  • Proxemics (physical distance)
  • Paralanguage (tone of voice)
  • Haptics (touch)

KINESICS (body language)

Guys tend to go out with groups of guys, and that was my problem before starting my own journey to dating mastery. And the problem is there exists a completely different set of non-verbal communication rules for both men and women, so we have to think more actively about how we are around women in a dating scenario.

That being said, it shouldn’t take too much thought and, actually, will come as a natural symptom of working on your headspace first. Be easy, let your arms hang loose, keep you back straight, shoulders back and head high with a smile for everyone. This non-verbally communicates pure assuredness, openness and that you are a fun person to hang out with. These are hallmarks of confidence and attractiveness.

Facial expressions are crucial to both emitting and receiving signals and body language signs. Try to have as little control as possible, as we rarely have as much hold on our facial expressions as it is. They have a deep and rapid emotional trigger, and human beings are so quick to pick up the slightest waver. So the only way to handle them, really, is to focus on the rest of your body language and just have a genuine conversation.

There’s a whole article about this that emphasises body language, and especially reading it, in more detail. However, from this, simply know that making your body language warm and reactive, responsive to what she is doing and how she is moving, will be the key to knowing when to lead her onwards. Knowing how to read female body language is essential to the success of a date.

PROXEMICS (distance)

It’s kind of crazy to think that not only what you’re doing and saying but where you’re standing makes a difference too, right? Think about it, though – if you’re standing and chatting to two people, one of whom you like more, you’re subconsciously (or perhaps even consciously) going to stand near the one you prefer, or lean in more proactively. Even your dress sense says multitudes about you.

Likewise, if a girl doesn’t like you, she will aim to position herself as far away from you as possible. Don’t follow her around like a weirdo – just talk to other girls and if it doesn’t attract her back to you then it won’t matter anyway.

More careful management of distance occurs during dating, and if you’re already at a pre-ordained place she’s obviously not going to go sit at the other side of the room. So you have to gauge things like how far back in her chair she’s sitting, or whether she’s leaning in. Or, if you’re picking up strong body language signs such as her stroking her neck or lips, take the lead on closing the distance – move to a sofa or adjacent seats.

Whenever you’re not reading, you’re leading, and distance can often be an important one to consider when closing.

PARALANGUAGE (tone of voice)

Not everyone is a radio presenter, but if you don’t speak from a place of authenticity and decisiveness then it is only a matter of time before your words start losing believably or being all that engaging. This one is directly linked to the confidence and positivity in your head, and it’s one of the elements of non-verbal communication that we have very little control over as emotions affect it so drastically.

The road to core confidence is long and hard but if you’re serious about your journey to self-esteem, get in touch through the site  and let’s see if I can’t completely change the way you present yourself – inside and out.

Ultimately though, if a quicker fix is on your radar, you can try vocal training or even something like improvisational comedy classes to really bring you out of your comfort zone and grant a natural dynamism to your voice. Women want to see energy and the ability to command respect while talking. That won’t happen unless you’re using your diaphragm and the full capacity of your lungs.

Through non-verbal communication, flirting is also in the things that you don’t say – pausing appropriately, always giving yourself space to breathe and be natural. With all the heightened physical sensations going on, you need to keep yourself comfortable and this can be monitored through the pacing of the words, and letting them do about 60% of the talking.

Assertive tone of voice will come with conviction in your beliefs and a genuine interest in the world around you and the women you’re talking to. Do everything you can to cultivate that – things you really enjoy, activities that get you out with other people who love the same things – and you will sound like a guy that knows what he’s talking about. And that’s attractive.

HAPTICS (touch) 

Touch might seem more important at the more physical element of a successful encounter, but within non-verbal communication skills even the slightest touch is a great way to make a connection and start to break down social boundaries.

That’s not saying be handsy (unless invited) but a handshake, friendly hug, or light hand on the back are all great moves to initiate contact. You can shift to more direct flirting later.

Girls are very touchy when they’re growing sexually comfortable with you, especially on the chest and shoulder, normally accompanying a laugh or empathic gesture (we’ve all had ‘aww’, however hard we might be). Know when to reciprocate and respond in kind – always match her. You can then use eye contact as a gauge for when to kiss.

None of these are things you should actively be concerned about. Effective non-verbal communicators are born from core confidence and high self-esteem. 

If you feel that you could benefit from more in-depth, personal guidance, tailored just for you, then please drop me a message here

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