How to Stop Being Needy
Every relationship has needs. Whatever connection you have with a girl, it will likely be a criss-crossing network of requirements and desires that both of you work to fulfil, both on individual and collective levels.
There is a firm line to be drawn, however, between expressing and fulfilling each others’ needs and being flat out needy. Neediness involves being demanding, insecure, and requiring of constant attention. It gives whomever you’re being needy with, whether it be an employer, mates, or a girlfriend, all of the power in your interaction – the power to veto, or the power to more or less make you do whatever they want.
Men are often under the illusion that women are the only needy ones in relationships but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Needy men often don’t catch the signs of neediness until it’s too late but it’s likely they’re always driving a wedge between them and the one they love.
Being emotionally needy is deeply unattractive and it has echoes outside of the relationship itself, especially when social media is involved, but more on that later. It’s bad for you as well as her.
Here are a few warning signals that you’re turning into the needy boyfriend rather than the boyfriend she needs.
- You are all over her social media
- You haven’t seen your friends in ages
- You keep making up reasons the two of you should hang out, and you get upset if you don’t
- Spoiling her has become the norm
- You argue – a lot
These seem pretty obvious, but the sheer volume of guys that are like this and yet oblivious to their actions is troubling. If it’s you, you have to be honest with yourself and work at it.
You’re all over her social media
The funny thing is, you probably see sappy statuses or tweets all the time and raise an eyebrow whilst scrolling past it as fast as you can. But you may well be that guy.
If you’re trawling through old photos just to ‘like’ them, or constantly popping up on her wall, or posting a picture of the two of you every five minutes, you’re emotionally needy. You can’t get around that – your insecurity is leading you to show everyone on her profile she’s yours, and to ping her mobile with reminders of your existence.
Don’t confuse it with being romantic. You’re not letting her know how you really feel if it’s in comment form. You’re worried that if you don’t keep reminding her you’re there, she’ll forget you.
The way that you view these kinds of posts, other people view you when you post it too. And your girl will be painfully aware of it too.
There’s no harm in posting a status celebrating her birthday, or your anniversary. Simply be wary of the quantity and nature of the public messages your online relationship together. What lives online, lives online forever, and you could get yourself a pretty bad reputation as one of the needy persons.
This will affect your current and future relationships with women.
You haven’t seen your friends in ages
This is important. Romantic relationships are an important part of life – I wouldn’t do what I do if I believed otherwise. However, to be healthy they have to be part of a balanced lifestyle that includes a wide array of other connections and responsibilities as well. Including your friends.
If you girlfriend is the only person you see, then you have an unhealthy dependency on your time with her.
However serious the relationship, you need to set regular aside some time for your friends and family.
Unless the two of you are independent, functioning humans who have full lives without each other, your relationship is doomed. Make sure you both have your own activities and people.
If you’re not, and you’re okay with that, the chances are you know the exact answer to the question ‘what does being needy mean?’
Most girls you date, by their very nature, will be temporary flashes in the pan. If you plough all of your time and effort into hanging out with them, you will find that the relationship loses its novelty very rapidly and you then have no one to turn to once its over.
Keep everything in perspective and make time for the people you care about.
You keep making up reasons the two of you should hang out, and you get upset if you don’t
This feeds into the last point: Your time with this girl should not be the most crucial thing in your world and you should not be putting pressure on her to take the same attitude as you.
If you’re emotionally blackmailing her to spend time with you, or you invite her over every evening and have a go at her when she can’t, you’re probably placing the emphasis on someone, anyone, being there, rather than who she actually is as a person.
Eventually, she is going to see hanging out with you as a chore.
This will damage the way you relate to people in the long run if the way you can only show them your needs in the relationship by trying to wheedle as much as you can out of them. Being in this habit stops you being forthright and upfront with people.
This includes pestering her for or blackmailing her into sex. It’s the same principle. If she doesn’t want to, it’s more likely something you’re leaving out. She doesn’t owe you wanting to hang out or more.
Spoiling her has become the norm
Remember the episode of Friends where Ross is jealous of one of Rachel’s co-workers so has a never-ending assortment of flowers, gifts and cuddly toys sent to her office? Maybe not. But it didn’t work for Ross, and it won’t work for you.
Spoiling someone is negative whether it be for a child or a lover. Seeming like you’re trying to purchase someone’s affection will drive away the right girl and push you slap-bang into the arms of the materialistic ones.
If you’re buying someone gifts out of insecurity, they’re not really gifts.
You argue – a lot
Neediness isn’t just smothering someone. Arguing for argument’s sake – when you’re simply trying to reassert your confidence by creating an argument for no reason – is also a form of neediness.
If your relationship turns you into a needlessly argumentative person, this will permanently damage the way you form connections in future.
When arguments are constantly flaring up, either you’re both too different or one of you is simply trying to win arguments. Notice it and change it.
It can take a lot of honesty to face up to these issues, but if you tone them down you will find yourself far happier in a relationship.
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