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Understanding the Secret System behind Attraction & Confidence

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the secret system of confidence and attraction

Today I’m going to be talking about value systems. If we want to understand not just confidence but attraction and social dynamics, we need to understand the value system we all subconsciously use every day.


As part of our day-to-day awareness, we are less reactive to things of a lower value than our own self‐perception, but we can become very reactive to things of a perceived higher value. Maybe the person of interest is more attractive, wealthier, or well-connected socially.

Crushes and obsessions typically form when one individual ascribes a level of value to the other in a way that is not reciprocated.

In other words, the interaction, as experienced by both parties, is qualitatively different – better for the crusher than for the crushee.

Obsessions – whether felt positively or negatively – are the result of tremendously over‐valuing the other party.

A value system, then, is our own hierarchy of attraction. A list of traits and features that we hold in high regard and the breaking points in which we will start to be attracted to that person.


While there is no fixed “higher” value, we are greatly influenced by cultural and social standards.

Luxury and aspirational brands draw their economic premium from the standard of higher value which has been created as part of their inherent quality, their marketing, and of how well trend-setters have adopted them.

Our value systems are mostly unconscious; even with a track record of having dated five brunettes in a row, a blonde may come along and knock our socks off.

Our value systems are also hopelessly complex; we may find a girl who matches what should be our exact criteria, but then we find out she has huge feet and suddenly find ourselves completely unaroused by her.

Our value systems are subject to change. The girl we lusted over in the city of 10,000 residents may no longer be as compelling after moving to the big city and experiencing more beautiful, cultured, and intelligent women.

There is also something known as ‘falling into a person’s frame’, meaning that we essentially accept someone else’s value system, or frame of reality, as being more compelling than our own. A particularly charismatic singer of a small‐time rock band may lead an impressionable and innocent young woman to dye her hair, cover herself in tattoos, and start doing drugs – he has presented a more interesting frame of reality than hers.

Most humans have a long‐term social strategy of building value whilst aligning themselves with other people of high value.


It should follow on from all of this reasoning, then, that beautiful women are generally perceived as having high value for their appearance alone. There is perhaps no greater example of this than in New York, Los Angeles, and Miami, where exceptionally beautiful women are paid to attend clubs and parties. Their high physical value brings other value in the form of wealthy men. Thus we see another rule of attraction: value attracts value.

Someone who has experienced a recent value spike – in the form of a promotion, a new car, or even a surge of confidence from something that is hidden from his friends – will find himself attracting more people. Most men are usually on their best “game” shortly after a sexual encounter.

Conversely, a person who has experienced a recent value drop – the loss of a partner, for example – may have several instinctive responses. They may become insecure about their other alignments, and grasp onto them more tightly.

Alternatively, they may continue to make assertions of how popular or desired they are, reasserting their value to themselves and anyone who will listen.


Interesting things happen when a social group is created.

A social group almost always has a leader, who sets the values of the group. That leader may consciously or subconsciously have criteria for intelligence, physical appearance, and social grace, and will cultivate relationships with those who add value to the environment that he or she is trying to create or experience.

In social sciences, the term “to add value” has recently taken hold as a catchall phrase for being socially savvy. It is critical to understand that this concept is relative amongst individuals, and to a certain extent, a function of the environment. A truly socially intelligent individual will calibrate to the norms of the people around them and contribute to that group in a way that may be different than how he or she would contribute to another group.

People accept as a leader the person who is most sure of his or her values – or frame of reality – and who can create the most compelling reality for them to experience. The Primary School kid with older sisters has been exposed to more unique music and other cultural elements to which the other kids have not, and thus sets the “coolness” value for the group.

In the broader social context of “mass society,” the trend-setters are the individuals who create art, music, other expressive media, or even catchphrases that are quickly enjoyed and adopted by others. A TV character such as Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat created immense cultural value with two simple words; “Sexy Time!”

Many social leaders have the greatest ability to create new or interesting forms of value that have the potential to achieve mass appeal – whether that be a new hip‐hop single, a new club or restaurant opening, or a new interpretation of God.


If we doubt our ability to attract and hold that form of value, insecurity and defensiveness may hold us back from accessing it. Interestingly, it is this sense of deservedness, or permission, which creates confidence.

When women say that they are looking for a confident man who is just being himself, what they mean is that they want a man who is utterly comfortable with his value. This man’s verbal and non‐verbal communication will paint a picture that a fairly intuitive woman will understand.

Insecurity often rears its head when we feel out of place relative to the value of our environment. We may be intellectually, physically, or socially outclassed, and rather than acknowledge the value disparity and either remove ourselves from the group, or accept a subordinate position, we may attempt to attack the environment’s value itself, or that of the people in it.

Usually, we merely wish to fit in, but unable to do that, we become defensive or contemptuous. Two classic examples of this are the girl who tells herself “I wouldn’t want to be a part of that scene anyway” or the man who reflexively refers to the woman who just rejected him as a “dumb bitch”.

In extreme cases, we may want so intensely to access that environment’s value that we plot, spread rumours, and make secretive alliances. Rather than add value to the group or environment, we drag the whole group’s value down to our level.

This also happens in relationships between two people; a man may put on a good show for a woman in the first few weeks of dating, only to be wrought with insecurities that later plague the relationship. These may be expressed in the form of abuse, lack of support for her goals, friends, and social outlets, or indifference – all low-value forms which are meant to make the man feel more comfortable and secure.

All of these examples are meant to illustrate the social matrix– the nonstop exchange that occurs between an individual and another individual, or an individual and a group.

I hope you now have a better understanding of the key mechanics behind confidence – not just how it’s communicated, but how it’s perceived. Value systems play a vital role in the world of relationships and by understanding it you may better adapt your behaviour and lifestyle to attract the success you desire.

If you require further advice on lifestyle and dating, look no further than the wealth of articles on my website.

Good luck in all your endeavours and I’ll see you in the next video or blog.



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