Dating After Divorce
January 14, 2017 - 9 minutes readGetting SUccess With Dating after Divorce
The end of marriage is no ordinary breakup. Aside from any heartbreak associated with ending a long-term, live-in relationship, life after divorce is often wrought with legal and financial repercussions.
Even picking up the pieces of your own life afterward is an achievement, let alone picking up women.
Dating after divorce can only work once you’ve cleared the dark cloud that follows a broken marriage. Even then, it can feel like navigating a foreign landscape, with you fumbling for etiquette you haven’t needed for maybe 5-10 years, maybe more.
Follow these steps as a guide. It won’t be easy, but you’ll enter a whole new phase of life once you get through them.
One of my coaches, Maverick, says in the podcast for How to Get Laid in Ibiza, a product of mine coming out soon:
“After divorce, there is only the excitement of what’s next.”
KNOW YOU’RE OVER HER
THE SELF-PITY GOES
PLACE THE VALUE ON THE TWO OF YOU
BRUSH UP ON ETIQUETTE
STAY POSITIVE
It’s hard not to think of it as divorced dating. But that’s kind of necessary. You have to frame any new connections in the context of your new, positive life and if you’re not there yet, you may want to reconsider dating until you’re ready.
KNOW YOU’RE OVER HER
You’ve brushed your teeth with her, been to every wedding and birthday party with her, maybe you have children together. Even outside of the legal ramifications, you’re losing a deep relationship with enormous stakes.
When is it time to divorce? How to know when to divorce is down to you. If you can’t stand to be around each other anymore, if one of you cheats, if domestic abuse becomes involved – when you know, you know.
The key is open communication – if one of you proposes a divorce, it’s easy to take it to heart and become stubborn and defensive.
It’s important to see this as an ultimatum. Ask yourself if it’s something you want to salvage or if you really can imagine moving forward and being without her. Make peace with yourself on the idea, but always know where she stands.
It doesn’t matter how to start dating again if your bitter, vengeful ex is still in the picture and interfering with your life. Clear communication is the one way you are going to establish an amicable outcome to the split.
If you want to know life beyond her and stand a chance of finding love after divorce, you’ll need to at least placate her enough to let you breathe.
With dating, you have to make sure you are going in with the right mindset. You won’t get that if your life is in tatters.
You can think about seeing other people once you know you’re over her, the legal loose ends have been tied up, and your living arrangements are settled.
You owe any kids in the equation that much, and you need time to rebuild.
THE SELF-PITY GOES
You don’t have to brush your divorce under the rug like a dirty secret. Maybe you’re dating a fellow divorcee or a kind woman who empathises with you. It’s a part of you, and you have to accept it and keep your confidence high.
Mention it, but move on. The same way you wouldn’t bang on about being lonely when you first started working out how to start dating, you need to avoid saturating the conversation with deep-rooted divorce misery.
That means not being about your wife, however you feel about her, and focus on the positives and what you’re building towards with your life.
If you’re over your wife, and rebuilding from the point of knowing what’s coming, that closure and positivity should be apparent in what you’re saying.
It’s hard because it’s consumed a lot of your world, but starting over after divorce needn’t be a bad thing. The fact that you’re on a date means you’re further out of your shell than many divorcees.
Show that you’re ready to be there.
PLACE THE VALUE ON THE TWO OF YOU
If you’ve got kids, you’re likely to have been at risk of losing them or having limited access to them through the divorce. Dating after divorce with kids can create an endless dialogue about your children rather than yourself.
A woman does not want someone who lives vicariously through their children. She wants someone focused who can make her happy in his own right.
Don’t lie, obviously. Bring them up. A man who loves his children is a great turn-on. But having to rethink how to date after divorce can come at a time when you are rethinking everything, and may not be ready for long-term commitment again. Don’t put her in the step-mum role just yet.
Talk about what interests her and drives her, and talk about what you would have done on a date before your marriage. She respects you as a father, but she wants you as an individual.
BRUSH UP ON YOUR ETIQUETTE
You haven’t been on a date with a stranger for some time. Read up on how to make a woman feel special. Hold doors for her, offer to take her coat, and take her arm.
You’re probably beating yourself up for a lot of mistakes in your marriage right now, but you have to act the part until it fits.
How do you plan on finding love after divorce if you don’t woo her, romance her, and convince her that the notion of love is still active inside you?
Your first relationship after a divorce is not going to come to you. Being a gentleman will do wonders for your confidence and make her feel like a movie star.
STAY POSITIVE
When should you start dating? I’m sure you are in a strange place in your head right now and are adapting as you go. You shouldn’t rush into relationships after divorce until you know you are stable again.
Life after divorce for women is difficult too. Many may be past childbearing age and loaded with completely different insecurities of their own.
They’re in the same boat, and they need your positivity as much as you do. Provide that, and you will stand out from the crowd.
Being positive, especially in the face of adversity, is an admirable trait, and doesn’t go unnoticed with women. It also means you’re more likely to be proactive in the conversation, leading and finding new topics as well as suggesting fun activities to do.
Know you deserve happiness, and then find your own.
For more information on how to get rid of the stigma that dating a recently divorced man is dull, sign up to one of my 7 Day Courses here.
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https://www.johnnycassell.com/effective-communication/non-verbal-communication-with-dating
https://www.johnnycassell.com/events/six-dating-events-for-singles-in-london-and-the-uk
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