Sexual frustration develops when your sexual needs are not being met.
If you’ve encountered sexual frustration – and it’s likely – you’ll know that it can run rampant if you don’t deal with it.
Sexual frustration can seem trivial but can actually have a range of causes. It’s not just getting blue balls because you’re not getting laid, although that can well be part of it.
Getting bored of the type of sex you have with your long-term partner can also make you sexually frustrated. Alternatively, you might be working too much and rarely experience sexual excitement – you might not even want to masturbate.
But even if you aren’t ever in the mood, without meeting the sexual needs of your body and mind, you’ll still feel out of whack.
I want to talk about rethinking sexual frustration as unspent sexual energy – as potential, rather than a negative force.
Spotting sexual frustration
You may not know you’re sexually frustrated. You can usually confuse it for regular frustration, tiredness, irritability, or low mood. Take a few moments to get to know how you feel – maybe write down a short sentence or a few words.
If what you write down is negative, whatever your feelings, it’s worth casting your mind back to the last few weeks. Frustration can occur for many reasons,
Now cast your mind back to the last few weeks of your life – have your sexual needs been met? Ask yourself the following questions:
- Has sex played less of a role in your relationship lately?
- Do you find yourself masturbating far more or far less often than usual?
- Has your partner been turning you down for sex more often than not?
- Have you got sexual desires that remain unfulfilled?
- Check your browser history – have you been watching more porn or more extreme porn, or paying for subscriptions?
- Have you recently experienced an injury, illness, or medication switch that may have changed your libido?
If you answer yes to some or all the above questions, you might need to take steps to address your sexual frustration. Whether you’re actively thinking about it a lot of the time or not, we’re animals, and one of the few that gain pleasure from sexual activity.
Once we sexually mature, it’s one the core pillars of comfort alongside food, water, and shelter for most people. No two people want the same thing from sex, and everyone comes with different baggage. So it can be hard to work out where sexual frustration is coming from.
Indeed, one of the reasons my courses have such a powerful effect on other elements of people’s lives, such as their work life or general health, is that they give men the tools to keep sexual frustration at bay.
Do you always have to deal with it?
Some people, especially those in long-term relationships, would rather ‘get through the dry spell’ than confront the issue of sexual frustration head-on. Others would rather sit down and talk the issue through.
This is absolutely fine for some people. If you’ve been married a long time, you might well be used to riding out the storm with the full awareness that great sex may well lie ahead for you.
If your sexual frustration is related to a health problem (starting or changing antidepressant medication, for example, can put a dent in the libido), your frustration is unlikely to fully resolve until your health improves or the incident passes.
However, if you find yourself making risky or rash sexual decisions, such as cheating on your partner with potentially devastating consequences, it’s time to address your sexual frustration issues.
How to deal with sexual frustration
My measures for handling sexual frustration can work for anyone who feels an irritating barrier between their real lives and the fulfilment of their desires.
Conquering sexual frustration is about taking control, whether that’s by directly communicating with your partner about sex or redirecting that frustrated energy into other activities.
It usually depends on your sexual situation at the time. For example, if you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re going to have different coping measures from someone who lives with their partner but is experiencing a dip in sexual chemistry.
I’ll break this guidance down into three sections: Tips for people who won’t get to have sex anytime soon, those who are single, and folk in relationships who are having difficulties.
When sex is not an option
I firmly believe that anyone can generate attraction in a conversation and escalate to the point of sexual intimacy. However, whether due to sickness, geography, or circumstance – after the delivery of a child, for example – sex is simply off the cards.
You’ll need to find a way to either release your tension or invest your energies elsewhere. Emotions, including frustration, are temporary.
Avoid your sex playlists: We all have music that makes us suggestible or heightens the sexual atmosphere. While you’re feeling pent-up sexual agitation, it’s best to avoid music that brings those sensations to the fore.
You might want to shuffle some acoustic or ambient music – something that relaxes you while it takes your mind off sex, as well as serving as effective background music for a distracting task.
Work out: Alternatively, when feelings of sexual frustration emerge, crank up the Ibiza bangers or speed metal and have a session of intense exercise.
Exercise releases a flood of endorphins throughout the body. These are chemical messengers that provide feelings of warmth, contentment, and happiness. Similar chemicals circulate during sex, so you can essentially ‘hack’ your body and mind into feeling that post-coital glow without having sex.
Volunteer or take up a new hobby: Keeping your mind occupied is going to be one of your saving graces while taking on sexual frustration.
Helping others is a great way of stepping outside your sexual desires and working on another part of yourself – your compassion and empathy. Sign up for the Samaritans’ phone line or something similar in your area. Being a pillar of the community hits a spot that sex doesn’t really reach.
If you’ve not got anything nearby that grabs you for volunteering, taking up a new sport, engaging in a new hobby, or learning a new skill can help you widen your horizons beyond sexual frustration, especially if you’re sick or housebound.
Ask the right questions about your low libido: If you’re otherwise physically well but have hang-ups about both sex and masturbation, you might have deeper-rooted issues to explore.
Perhaps you grew up in a religious household that created an atmosphere of guilt around sexual feelings. Maybe you’ve traumas that need addressing. Seeing a professional, such as a psychotherapist or sex therapist, might help you ground your feelings and start to open up.
You might just be so burnt out from work that you’re hungry for balance and need some time for yourself.
Either way, it could be a matter of mind rather than circumstance. Acknowledge and take a lead on the situation – your contentment is at stake.
Single people who are in a position to have sex
You may find that, despite wanting to have a sexual connection, you never seem to end up in one.
That frustration is actually what feeding the cycle, however, as sex becomes a huge deal to you. It then becomes clear whenever you talk to a woman that you want something, and they switch off.
I’ve got tonnes of material on this blog about building your core confidence and stepping your game up, but it’s through my courses that you’ll really start busting open your preconceptions about yourself and your expectations around sex and flirting.
However, if you’re looking to more immediately address sexual frustrations, you can try the following steps:
- Masturbate: I always think it’s better to socialise with women than crack one out on your own, but it’s always there for immediate relief. If your usual methods aren’t cutting it, try different strokes, or spend a bit of time with yourself.
- Have a fling: Why not? You’re single and have bags going for you. Start putting yourself out there, whether it’s through online dating or meeting someone in person. This is the only true way to address sexual frustration when you’re outside of a relationship.
- Friends with benefits: There’s an evident risk in changing the sexual boundaries of a friendship, but you may know someone with whom this could work. It’s certainly one way to blow off some steam. However, these can complicate quickly.
People in relationships
Relationships can go on for a long time. People change, their lifestyles change, and their priorities and tastes change, so it’s no surprise that many long-term, monogamous sexual relationships go through latent patches.
The fixes can be surprisingly simple, especially if you’re on the same page emotionally.
Communicate clearly: A direct, honest conversation about sex is likely overdue if you’re feeling tense about it. Bring up new sex acts you’d like to try in light of learning.
“I’d like to try edging with you. Is that something you’d consider working into our sexytime?” Never be forceful or negative about it – your partner may not feel comfortable with certain acts. You can find a middle ground and start exploring each other again.
Likewise, if sex has dried up due to a health issue, see how your partner feels about workarounds and different approaches. They may well feel the same way.
Initiate sex: Sometimes, people in couples basically forget to initiate sex with each other. They can become so wrapped up in everyday necessities that a week can go by without making love.
Sometimes, you should make a conscious effort to approach and let your partner know you’re feeling horny.
Women love a man who knows what he wants and sets about getting it. Show that side of yourself.
Put restrictions in place: If you always drift back to missionary with your partner, ban that position for a little while.
Just as musicians and authors often write better when faced with restrictions, this will encourage you both to find more creative ways to share sexual intimacy.
Sexual frustration can make the days drag and relationships feel like a burden, and they should feel nothing but nourishing and healthy.
When facing up to it, you’ve got three sensible options: Communicate with your partner, get engaged in another activity, or have sex.
If you need help meeting women, I can help you develop a strong foundation for mastering seduction.
Find out more about my Impactful Connection workshops today.